The superintendent of a taxpayer-funded school district in Pennsylvania has banned forks from the high school cafeteria because too many students have been using the utensils to stab each other.
Sto-Rox High School in the gritty Pittsburgh suburb of McKees Rocks is the site of the new fork-free policy, according to local NBC affiliate WPXI.
The superintendent, Frank Dalmas, implemented the policy and other draconian measures last week to keep students in line.
There have been fights involving injuries. (It’s not clear if these fights are fork-related.) There has been drug use in bathrooms.
Also, students at Sto-Rox High can no longer obtain hall passes for bathroom breaks during classes.
Dalmas, who reportedly brings home a generous salary of $125,000 per year, indicated that he has instituted the ban on forks and table knives because students had used them to stab each other. The superintendent suggested — in a heroic bout of circular reasoning — that students will not be able to have forks and knives until they stop using forks and knives to stab and otherwise hurt each other.